THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

The Best Way I know HOW. September-25-2020

There is always a lesson that is repeated when you don't understand it the first time, and today a repeated lesson I just saw.

The past few years I have been focusing on building myself in so many different ways, reading books, discovering a hidden talent within, meeting new people, going out alone to roads I never thought I will ever gonna drive myself all the way there and an endless list that making my answer one:

I am Keeping My Options Open.

This is a way I know how to learn things by trying things, expressing in the way I find it suitable comfortable to myself. When I was 12 years old I decided to write a book after being in a very deep depression due to an incident that drastically changed me into what I am now, this incident marks still within my soul. This incident made me a writer today Alhamdulilah. Back then I didn't know why, or I didn't trust Allah enough. After all, my mind was all about fighting and fighting every time something happened because I did not understand how Allah put these trails on my way and what am I benefiting from them.

Depression is something I grew to know the best, I didn't try to commit suicide no, I was billed all the time in the school, I was an outcast to the girls/boys around me I felt that I did not fit in anywhere I go. I have plenty of stories to share at my young age but 12 years old is one of the important ones of my major change. When I decided to write the book I was sad, I thought by speaking the actual truth to the incident that happened to me, I will make people understand that I am an innocent girl who has been misled by unfortunate events and people as well. I just wanted to share how they hurt me and made me feel and how now I feel like a tree was out of her leaves but the thing that I never knew only today is that my root was still under the ground, my root was still being watered, getting sunlight and love. If I knew this back then I think I would not hate the people who caused me those pain, not hide.

But, all this made me became a poet! yes I wrote so many potteries, I was inspired by Abdl-Whab Al-Bayati a Libyan poet who his poetry says a lot of how I feel! this is an example:

أرضٌ تدور في الفراغ ودمٌ يُراقْ وَيحْي على العراق تحت سماء صيفه الحمراء من قبل ألفِ سنةٍ يرتفع البكاء حزنًا على شهيد كربلاء ولم يزل على الفرات دمُه المُراق يصبغ وجهَ الماء والنخيل في المساء آهٍ.. جناحي كسرتهُ الريحْ من قاع نهر الموت، يا مليكتي، أصيحْ من ظلمة الضريحْ أمدُّ للنهر يدي، فَتُمسك السرابْ يدي على التراب يا عالمًا يحكمه الذئابْ ليس لنا فيه سوى حقّ عبور هذه الجسور نأتي ونمضي حاملين الفقر للقبور) "عبد الوهاب البياتي" في قصيدة "الموت في غرناطة" Abdul Wahab made me feel alive even though in most of his poems he's always writing about death and sacrifices. and this made my mind open to wanting to understand death more. It is crazy I'm telling you but this is how I knew how to get away with the pain I have the depression that is causing me to want to sleep more, and the stress when I didn't know what stress is, and to eat less, and ta-da! becoming an IBS patient ( IBS Meaning/causes and symptoms) But it is okay now. Today I knew I'm the most expressive person I have met, with words, speaking, writing, using any kind of touchable platform to reach out to people who felt the same, or have been through the same. I am not alone and so them. But for the first time, I was feeling sorry for being me, for the fact when I expressed in the way I know it's better and how I was attacked, I ate my soul with sorrow for being just the way I am when I didn't have to. I always speak loud about how not to care about what people think about me, and I was already been attacked and in the worst scenarios for defending someone, I really care about I was still attacked. I was called, bad, bitch, prostitute, hooker, any bad insult that would come into someone's mind yes I was called that and I was only 12 years old so why today would anything hurt me? why would people talk about me because I expressed my mind? my feelings and my thoughts? Why would anyone think wrong of me because I did myself? for defending my honor at the least hiding fact that no one would know what happen, but because I was defending myself and I was attacked this way. I have the absolute right to be angry, mad aggressive I have the right to have and feel those feelings I wasn't created fearless, anger less, or any other kind of feeling that involuntary a normal person or abnormal person would feel because it is a common HUMAN NATURE. I felt sad to me, I wanted to cry to me, yet I kept it in my throat and continue throughout the day like nothing happened but at this time by 1 AM I am writing this because it hurts this much... I had to get up make wudu and pray and ask Allah to forgive me for what I have sinned and to also to forgive myself for being me and it is okay to be me, and I am sure as much as I know I am trying to comfort myself no one else would have the courage to stand up for me like I did to me. Arafa Alhammadi 2020